Life Lately

It has been so long since I have updated this blog..as you can imagine, life has been extremely busy! Hope is now almost 6 months old. I can’t even believe it! It still seems like we were just sitting on our couch trying to figure out how we were going to get to Indiana that night for her birth!
I know Adam and I can’t even imagine our lives without Hope. The joy she has brought to our home is more than we ever expected. Hope is one happy little girl. She lights up a room with her big open mouth smile. She loves to make noises and has mastered the art of screaming. She is attempting to crawl (Lord help us!) but right now she is more planking than anything. 🙂 We are so blessed by her. Not a day goes by where we aren’t reminded of how much a miracle she is. We are in love with this little girl.
My biggest joy over the last couple of weeks has been that I have left my job and am now staying home full time! I am not sure how long I will be able to go without working at all, but for right now, I am enjoying spending my days with Hope. Eventually I will look for a part time job, but Adam and I are figuring out ways to save money so hopefully I won’t have to. I am so thankful to God for this opportunity. I don’t take it for granted. If this were about 5 years ago, there would have been no way that this would be possible! But I do believe God had been helping us get to this point.
But with all of the happiness, life still goes on and there are still trials. I’ve debated about sharing this but am hoping that through our circumstances someone will be encouraged through their own hurting. In the middle of August, Adam and I were celebrating~ I had just found out I was pregnant! You can believe the shock and amazement that went along with it. Another miracle baby. This baby that we never thought could be was actually a reality. Adam and I spent many days laughing..What the heck were we going to do with 2 babies under 1 years old?? But we were thrilled and praising God for His mercy.
We went in for an ultrasound and was able to see the heart beating. The nurse said the baby was only measuring to be around 6 weeks. I thought that that was off, because I thought I was at least 7 or 8 weeks along, but I wasn’t sure of my dates. She scheduled me to come back the next week for another ultrasound. When the nurse started the ultrasound, I saw her face out of the corner of my eye and I knew. She told me that the baby had lost its’ heartbeat and had never continued to grow past 6 weeks. I met with the doctor right afterwards and she gave me some options. I decided that I wanted to try to miscarry naturally so we scheduled for me to come back the next week to see how I was.
The last 2 weeks I have been dealing with a lot of anger towards God. I didn’t ask for this baby and was finally at a place where I was completely content with thinking I would never get pregnant. But yet, why would He allow me to experience all of this happiness and take it away so quickly? I have no clue. But I fought Him hard on it. But every time I would tell Him how angry I was, Hope happened to be in the room with me. And I knew. I knew I couldn’t deny how amazingly good He is, how amazingly faithful He was as I look at Hope. He has blessed us beyond measure with Hope. But the anger was still there. The frustration was there. It was definitely a battle between what my mind wanted to think and what my heart knew to be Truth. I wanted my mind to win..that way I could be angry and blame God.
This past week, the miscarriage still had not happened, so I went in to the doctor and she stated another option was to take a medication that would induce it to happen. I decided to do that. This past Saturday night I took it. I am so thankful Adam was home. The side effects were far worse than what had been explained to me. I couldn’t move off of the kitchen floor and Adam just sat with me and literally prayed us through that night. I am so blessed by him!
Over the last couple of days, my anger is slowly slipping away. I literally see God’s goodness when I look at Hope. It is undeniable. And He has reminded me again that He is a God of miracles! There is a tiny baby in Heaven that is proof.
Yesterday I was cooking dinner and listening to Pandora. Every song that came on was about God’s grace. It was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. I feel like Grace is what has kept my life together, my marriage, and my sweet little family.

 
“His grace is enough.”
 
“Like a flood, His mercy reigns.
Unending love, amazing grace.”
 
Right now, I am choosing joy. Not happiness…because that is so temporary and based on feelings. But joy, despite my sadness (which I am still battling) ..because I know how faithful God is.
 
“2 Dear brothers and sisters,<sup class="footnote" value="[a]”>[a] when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” James 1:2-4

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