Freeze

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This morning, my littlest woke up in his usual fashion- wide smile, bouncing up and down in his crib, and shouting “dada” through the monitor. He gave me a big hug when I picked him up and went into the kitchen to make his bottle.

As he sat on my lap while I fed him, it hit me- days like this are fleeting and are quickly coming to a close. Soon there will be no more bottles, no more feedings, no more of him holding my finger while I keep his bottle steady.

So I took it in today- focused on the way he looked up at me with his blue eyes, the way his eyes form little tears while he eats, the way he reacts with excitement when he hears his sister’s voice. I wish in the deepest parts of my heart I could freeze time.

I have been coming back to this thing of how quickly each day passes by. And it has been hitting me each time. In my limited knowledge I have been pondering the brevity of life. To freeze time is impossible. Holding onto it is like holding onto sand at the beach. Thousands of grains fall through the cracks of your hands no matter how hard you squeeze.img_1496

And so it is with time. It keeps ticking. The hands on the clock keep moving no matter how much I concentrate on it to stop. So I take a moment and think:

  • How am I using the precious moments that God has granted me on this earth?
  • What am I investing in?
  • What words am I speaking?
  • How am I extending love and grace?

Because it is these things that truly matter- it isn’t how many activities that my kids participated in or how clean my house is or whether I buy a house or not. And while I can’t freeze time, I can steward the seconds I have been given each day. Somethings I can’t control, but many things I can. And I desire for those things to portray love, compassion, and grace.

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I want my kids to remember safety and security by the words I speak to them. I am so far from perfect in this area. As I manage the physical pain I am in now, my patience is much more thin than normal. The result of this has been harsh words followed by tears and many apologies from this mama’s heart.

Tick tock. Mama, will you play with me?

Tick tock. Just ONE more bedtime story?

Tick tock.  Mama, I want you to hold me.

One day my 2 littles will no longer be little and they will be venturing out and developing their own independence. They will be grabbing onto things such as friends and culture instead of my hand and I pray I have served them well by instilling Truth into their hearts. But until then, it is me that they need 24/7 and I want to embrace that wholeheartedly. So today I am trying to put down the dishrag more and saying “wait a second” less.

Because even though I can’t freeze time, I can make each minute more richer and deeper.

Our Story of Hope Part 1: We are matched; Hope is here!

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Winter Of The Soul

Winter is in full swing here in New England. It is the beginning of February and I am shouting a silent “hallelujah” that we made it through January- I find it to be THE LONGEST. Holidays are over, decorations need to be taken down, and you just never know how many snow storms we may encounter. Every so often I find myself scrolling through my pictures of warmer days and reflecting on the sun, warmth, and beauty.

My daughter loves to play games in the car while we drive. Usually it is “I Spy”. She loves to find colors out her window and have me guess what she is looking at. The fall is so much fun to do this as the trees are bursting with the most vibrant of colors. But now, in winter, she often asks me where the leaves are. I have been explaining to her that the leaves are all gone and this is the season in which the trees rest. Rest helps the trees prepare for spring in which new life is born.

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As I reflect on this, I am reminded that ALL seasons are important- it isn’t just the spring and summer seasons where there is life, vitality, and fruit-producing action. Winter is just as important. In fact, it is vital so that the other seasons can accomplish what they are individually designed for.

And so it is with the seasons of our soul. Some seasons are full of life, beauty, and action. Some are filled with calmness and everyday routine. But winter inevitably comes- and that is okay. It is good, actually. A winter season of the soul may look differently from one individual to the next. It may feel stormy. Or possibly gray and gloomy. And for some, it may just be a time of no activity and a necessary time to rest.

I feel like I am in the middle of a winter period, with all of those things meshed together that I just described. The plans I had outlined for my year have gone the complete opposite and are completely out of my control. I have found myself more home bound than I would have ever wanted even though I am a self proclaimed homebody. However, despite the physical pain, I am also experiencing moments of rest, both physically and emotionally. I have learned to accept help from family and friends- and it has brought so much joy! I have also been able to write more- God has been working on my heart and moving me towards different things in this area that I may have missed otherwise. This reminds me of how active our God is.

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I constantly say that the Lord is not a waster of time- no matter what season we find ourselves in! So I am doing the best I can to embrace winter. I am filling my soul with God’s word and reserving moments of stillness each day to hear His voice. I am embracing the beauty found in letting others help me- because the love of Jesus is found in each person that walks through my door. I am storing up the truths and promises that the Lord reveals to me so that I will be ready to spring into action once winter passes.

I am embracing winter and all it has to offer. It has been hard. It has been humbling. But I am starting to see the beauty that lies within the cold, the dark, and the gray.

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