Freeze

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This morning, my littlest woke up in his usual fashion- wide smile, bouncing up and down in his crib, and shouting “dada” through the monitor. He gave me a big hug when I picked him up and went into the kitchen to make his bottle.

As he sat on my lap while I fed him, it hit me- days like this are fleeting and are quickly coming to a close. Soon there will be no more bottles, no more feedings, no more of him holding my finger while I keep his bottle steady.

So I took it in today- focused on the way he looked up at me with his blue eyes, the way his eyes form little tears while he eats, the way he reacts with excitement when he hears his sister’s voice. I wish in the deepest parts of my heart I could freeze time.

I have been coming back to this thing of how quickly each day passes by. And it has been hitting me each time. In my limited knowledge I have been pondering the brevity of life. To freeze time is impossible. Holding onto it is like holding onto sand at the beach. Thousands of grains fall through the cracks of your hands no matter how hard you squeeze.img_1496

And so it is with time. It keeps ticking. The hands on the clock keep moving no matter how much I concentrate on it to stop. So I take a moment and think:

  • How am I using the precious moments that God has granted me on this earth?
  • What am I investing in?
  • What words am I speaking?
  • How am I extending love and grace?

Because it is these things that truly matter- it isn’t how many activities that my kids participated in or how clean my house is or whether I buy a house or not. And while I can’t freeze time, I can steward the seconds I have been given each day. Somethings I can’t control, but many things I can. And I desire for those things to portray love, compassion, and grace.

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I want my kids to remember safety and security by the words I speak to them. I am so far from perfect in this area. As I manage the physical pain I am in now, my patience is much more thin than normal. The result of this has been harsh words followed by tears and many apologies from this mama’s heart.

Tick tock. Mama, will you play with me?

Tick tock. Just ONE more bedtime story?

Tick tock.  Mama, I want you to hold me.

One day my 2 littles will no longer be little and they will be venturing out and developing their own independence. They will be grabbing onto things such as friends and culture instead of my hand and I pray I have served them well by instilling Truth into their hearts. But until then, it is me that they need 24/7 and I want to embrace that wholeheartedly. So today I am trying to put down the dishrag more and saying “wait a second” less.

Because even though I can’t freeze time, I can make each minute more richer and deeper.

Our Story of Hope Part 1: We are matched; Hope is here!

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One thought on “Freeze

  1. I read this as I lay here with my youngest daughter, 8 years old, with her head resting on my shoulder falling asleep. We finished reading and we prayed. Then as usual, while she drifts off I scroll away and read until she knocks out soon after.
    What a beautiful love letter. Thank you so much for sharing this.
    I don’t know why I feel so overwhelmed with emotion after reading this. Perhaps it’s because I remember feeling so similar when my girls where so tiny and even still today I do my best to hold onto every tiny bit I can.
    Boy do I agree with you.
    I wish I could freeze time with each of them.
    Praying for you and your family.

    Like

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