Bedtime And Grace

There is something sacred about bedtime, I think. All of the busyness and rush of the day has come to a close and a blanket of quiet wraps itself around our little home. As a mom to two little humans, bedtime is GLORIOUS. My four-year-old still needs either myself or my husband to lie down with her while she falls asleep each night so we typically alternate who will tuck her into bed.

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As of late, I have been trying to focus on her little face as she squishes into me on the bed: the way she bats her eyes for ONE more lullaby or ONE more made up story that she in fact ends up making up herself. I find these little moments to be my most precious memories of the day. As I learn to manage this back and leg pain I am in, my mind and body are worn out and my patience has been a tad thin. This results in my words not always being the most kind. And it breaks my heart.

However, I have found grace meeting me in these bedtime moments. Whatever has happened during the day has been set aside and the time spent during these quiet minutes is all that matters. My love will place her little hand in mine and say “I love you, Mama” or “Mama, will you put both arms around me so I can hold both of your hands?” and she will snuggle in as close as she can and prepare for sleep. And I feel a rush of love, forgiveness, and grace envelope my heart. All is well.

Grace is a beautiful thing. It is the glue that pieces my life together, although cracked and frail. And it is the glue that keeps this Mama going each day. My mornings typically start out with a prayer such as “Lord, I desperately need your grace today.” It truly is amazing grace. 

The grace of God is a daily reminder that despite my imperfections and shortcomings, there is love.

And that is what I have been discovering at bedtime. There is love- love that brings comfort and security through a song, a touch, or a whispered “I love you.” And as little eyes begin to close in the stillness of the night, there is an overflowing of peace because of this beautiful grace.

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Freeze

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This morning, my littlest woke up in his usual fashion- wide smile, bouncing up and down in his crib, and shouting “dada” through the monitor. He gave me a big hug when I picked him up and went into the kitchen to make his bottle.

As he sat on my lap while I fed him, it hit me- days like this are fleeting and are quickly coming to a close. Soon there will be no more bottles, no more feedings, no more of him holding my finger while I keep his bottle steady.

So I took it in today- focused on the way he looked up at me with his blue eyes, the way his eyes form little tears while he eats, the way he reacts with excitement when he hears his sister’s voice. I wish in the deepest parts of my heart I could freeze time.

I have been coming back to this thing of how quickly each day passes by. And it has been hitting me each time. In my limited knowledge I have been pondering the brevity of life. To freeze time is impossible. Holding onto it is like holding onto sand at the beach. Thousands of grains fall through the cracks of your hands no matter how hard you squeeze.img_1496

And so it is with time. It keeps ticking. The hands on the clock keep moving no matter how much I concentrate on it to stop. So I take a moment and think:

  • How am I using the precious moments that God has granted me on this earth?
  • What am I investing in?
  • What words am I speaking?
  • How am I extending love and grace?

Because it is these things that truly matter- it isn’t how many activities that my kids participated in or how clean my house is or whether I buy a house or not. And while I can’t freeze time, I can steward the seconds I have been given each day. Somethings I can’t control, but many things I can. And I desire for those things to portray love, compassion, and grace.

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I want my kids to remember safety and security by the words I speak to them. I am so far from perfect in this area. As I manage the physical pain I am in now, my patience is much more thin than normal. The result of this has been harsh words followed by tears and many apologies from this mama’s heart.

Tick tock. Mama, will you play with me?

Tick tock. Just ONE more bedtime story?

Tick tock.  Mama, I want you to hold me.

One day my 2 littles will no longer be little and they will be venturing out and developing their own independence. They will be grabbing onto things such as friends and culture instead of my hand and I pray I have served them well by instilling Truth into their hearts. But until then, it is me that they need 24/7 and I want to embrace that wholeheartedly. So today I am trying to put down the dishrag more and saying “wait a second” less.

Because even though I can’t freeze time, I can make each minute more richer and deeper.

Our Story of Hope Part 1: We are matched; Hope is here!